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Uganda be kidding me

by Chelsea Handler

Why do black people have better night vision? Answer: I think it would be racist to presume I know. (Page 6 - April 19, 2014)

It's also worth mentioning that I'm not a huge fan of brushing my hair and/or showering. In my own defense, I will say that I do not have feculent body odor. I believe my scent is natural, beautiful, and banana. (Page 12 - April 19, 2014)

I do shower before or after working out, but I find excessive showering just for the hell of it overrated. I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret, or a sandwich. (Page 13 - April 19, 2014)

My grasp of electronics is commensurate to my grasp of the moon; I'm unclear as to how either arrived at its current status. (Page 16 - April 19, 2014)

"Do you think the lack of ice in Europe and other continents-such as the one we're on-has anything to do with global warming?" Hannah asked. We all ignored Hannah and ordered food. (Page 18 - April 19, 2014)

At dinner that night we discovered that the only other people at our lodge was a couple on their honeymoon, which I always find unsettling. My sister was kind enough to point out to me that this is because I am incapable of spending more than two days alone with any person, never mind any man I'd ever dated. It was discouraging to realize the truth of this statement, which led me to observe this couple like a zoologist stalking a den of baby hyenas. (Page 23 - April 19, 2014)

Something is definitely wrong with my feelings about marriage and procreation. (Page 24 - April 19, 2014)

Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks, but if an adult throws a temper tantrum, all of a sudden it's on YouTube. (Page 33 - April 19, 2014)

After four days of monkey rape, drinking like sailors, and embarrassing the United States of America, it was time to go destroy another country. We were off to Camp Dumbo and then Botswana. (Page 41 - April 19, 2014)

It's not lost on me that the people I respect the most are the people who want to hang out with me the least. (Page 54 - April 22, 2014)

It's amazing how much you've accomplished without really knowing anything. (Page 56 - April 22, 2014)

"I'm an American," I explained as my reason for urinating in public (Page 58 - April 22, 2014)

I went into my bathroom, changed my underwear, put the dirty pair into the safe, and locked it. If Rex was staying with me, I didn't want him to see what I was capable of. (Page 63 - April 22, 2014)

"I don't mean to sound like a clock, but what fucking time is it?" Hannah asked. (Page 68 - April 22, 2014)

What I thought was a very astute proposition was met with looks of concern, which as always only made me talk even more to convince them I was actually smarter than I seemed. (Page 69 - April 22, 2014)

"You have to understand my sister," Simone said. "She's the biggest fuckup of the family, but she's also the most successful. That can be very conflicting, plus, she's the baby." (Page 72 - April 23, 2014)

The lions started to scatter, and I finally saw what I had been longing to see since arriving in Africa: an elephant charging toward me. (Page 76 - April 23, 2014)

The man from the water and his onesie had somehow disappeared, either out to sea to continue his life as a male mermaid, or out of the water-but he was gone, and that was the most important thing. (Page 89 - April 23, 2014)

When we got to Germany, Molly suggested we go to a concentration camp. Sachsenhausen was an hour outside of Berlin, and we had the entire next day off from filming."Yes," I told her. "I suppose you are right. Being a Jew, it is kind of embarrassing I haven't been to one yet. (Page 99 - April 23, 2014)

I was left alone in an examining room long enough to call whomever I was dating at the time, then my sister, then my doctor in LA, who patched me through to an orthopedic specialist, who asked me if I could pop my knee in and out of its socket. I tried and I could, and then I couldn't stop doing it because it was so weird. (Page 116 - April 23, 2014)

It was the kind of sex that you almost don't have to participate in, the kind of sex that just happens to you. (Page 135 - April 25, 2014)

I don't like to be woken in general, and I certainly don't like to be woken up at 7 a.m. This is why I will never have a baby or borrow anyone else's. Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don't get into fights with other people. (Page 139 - April 25, 2014)

She excels at overexamining every part of the human psyche, and she will send me daily healing messages from some book called The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency. (Page 149 - April 25, 2014)

I've had to tell her repeatedly to stop sending me daily messages about patience and loving myself. "I don't mind them once in a while," I warned her. "But it can't be a regular thing." (Page 149 - April 25, 2014)

Basically, I just want to get the fuck away from this house of cards that Chelsea calls a home. (Page 160 - April 25, 2014)